Wednesday, January 26, 2005

i feel like giving up . . .

i'm sicker than hell . . i feel like shit . . i dont know . . alyse hasnt talked to me at all which makes me want to cry or scream maybe both? i think shes mad at me cause everyday i go an look @ her blog and there is something completly negative about me in there. . like how its stupid for daniel to sell me his car cause i dont have my liecense well i think its stupid for me to get my liecense and not have a car . . and i have 2 interviews next week and THATS how i would pay for insurance . . and my rents will pay it for a while . . they already said they would . . its like she has no faith in me what so ever . . . someone who will remain nameless said she should stop blaming things she feels on others and i thought about this i kinda want to talk to her about it but i dont want to start anything with her . . . i just wonder if she really values my friendship as much as she clams to . . . like EVERYONE has been to see her or talked to her this week and she hasnt even tried to talk to me . . maybe she just sees me as someone to have fun with and not a serious friend . . . why cant anyone ever take me seriously? do they think i cant be or something? i dont know maybe id be better off lying in a ditch dead somewhere . . . i mean i dont know i think im soo fucking stupid cause of some of my friends . . . and i dont know sometimes i just wana go get high or drink but i never do cause i dont want alyse to look badly upon me . . then i dont and my other friends make fun of me . . i want so badly to stop making everyone else happy an start making myself happy but i dont even think i know what makes me happy anymore . . .

Tuesday, January 25, 2005

the sickness has hit me!

mann this bites the big one i feel like S H I T . . . i wana cry . . . i thought MAYBE just MAYBE i would be the LUCKY one that wouldnt get sick fer once BUT NO . . im feeling like crap and i gotta still do some runnin today . . man last nite micah gave me a massage that made it all better for a little while i wish i could get that now :'( mann i love that kid . . i unno tho . . . welp im off to take a bath to see if itll help . . .later
Amanda Ruth

Monday, January 24, 2005

f O o L i S h . . . .

UgH i'm going CrAzY! i give up . . maybe just maybe micah isnt all hes cracked up to be . . . i feel like my heart is being ripped out an stomped on ESPECIALLY after this past weekend and everything that happened . . i just wana scream REALLY REALLY LOUD! till i cant anymore . . . a part of me feels like i should just die . . cause i feel like i ALWAYS fuck things up but i dont know what i could have done wrong this time . . . later!

Thursday, January 20, 2005

Tell me again can't we be lovers and friends?

o m g . . . Can you say TOO MUCH DRAMA!?!? I can say today went alot better than my nite last nite . . im happy with what me and micah are I guess. . . im just happy to have him around . . . He's so damn precious . . I just cant help but love him again . . I kinda wana just stay single and be around him and be "close" friend with him . . Another part of me wants to just be like OMG FORGET ABOUT IT AMANDA YOU LOVED AND LOST . . . Now lose the thoughts . . But life just ISN'T that easy, and im too hard headed LOL . . Also my friend marly was trying to tell me that I should watch out cause micah was stalking michelle and that's why I shouldn't get too close . . I've known that boy FAR too long and he wouldn't ever do that I know better! So too bad ou stupid lil girls I WONT believe you LOL . . . Man ima go tho cause I don't have too much to talk about . . o yea! Last nite my friend Patrick asked me if iwas a dike!!! omgoodness I was like NO . . This other little freshman kid HONESTLY thought I was and told pat I was I was shocked anyone could ever think that! . . Maybe the kid don't really think that he just likes me so he don't want anyone else too . . I wana know what brought me up to Brandon? That's my thoughts LOL . . welp I'll write more later!

<33 always
Amanda Ruth

Wednesday, January 19, 2005

baby let me love you

god life sucks ass . . the one guy ive ever honestly cared about . . . loved . . tells me he doesnt think he can trust me enough to get back into a relaytionship with me . . he wants to be friend . . just friends and noone can even begin to understand how much it hurts . . i just want to die i mean i love that boy . . everytime he holds me . . kisses me i just get butterflies . . fireworks. . everything . . . he says all the rite things. . and never EVER would hurt me . . and whenever him and michelle broke up i just kinda was sad for him cause i know how much happier he was but then i saw how she was treating him and it made me soo mad and in a way it hurt me . . . i love him i dont even know an tonite the talk we had just like tore me apart cause i had hopes . . one day . . someday . . we might get together again and life would be good again but i dont know anymore life just doesnt make any sense i dont know . . . i dont know anything . . i dont even know . . nevermind . . bye guys i love you all so much member that
<33 always
Amanda Ruth

Tuesday, January 11, 2005

meow . .

hey ya'll mann today was ok actually but last nite was REALLY odd . . . ok i'll go into SMALL detail basically one of my friends ((jason)) randomly asked me if i ever liked him or if i do now .. . . and i told him yea i did but yea i stopped liking you like that cause of the circumstances and now i just see him as a REALLY awesome friend WELL i dont know why he asked that question . . . i mean it was SO flippin random and i dont know . . . then i talked to micah for a little while and i finally got off the phone with everyone but i wasnt tired not even a little so i got out some paper and wrote Logan the note is 1 full pg front and back and i tell him EVERYTHING i feel in there . . i really hope it doesnt freak him out cause i mean im being BRUTALLY honest and if he likes me like he says he does then he will try and do something with whats wrong like him not wanting or trying or whatever to get a job . . no liecense and he doesnt have any ambitions like i know exzactly what i wana do and how im gonna go about doing it . . all he knows is he needs to figure out how to get money to get weed to in turn get high and im sry but i cant handle that kind of thing in my life . . . if its not gonna be like that forever . . i dont know . . it's so damn hard to picture myself with someone other than who i've always saw myself with . . . who will remain nameless . . but yea . . i miss him alot . . i dont know if our being apart is for the better or worse . . i watch him go through so much pain and think to myself man i could have prevented that if i would have just been more mature . . . and then i wonder what does he think whenever i hurt? i dont know but ima go lay down for now . . . my legs and arms hurt from weightlift'n . . later
<33 always
Amanda Ruth

Monday, January 10, 2005

no regrets

no regrets. . . yeah . . thats what i said newyears 02/03 . . . man was i wrong i regret ever losing him . . . just being around him takes me back . . . why did i even do it? here latly i've been asking myself that question ALOT i miss soo much i wish i would have just stayed at Bosse i wish me and micah were still together . . i wish i never would have met billy . . . but yet i dont REGRET any of it . . cause i met some of the most WONDERFUL people that make me soo much happier as a person people that understand amanda not just "the hyper girl" or "annoying" or what ever i am to most of you . . to alyse, daniel, and kat i am someone else someone who completes them cause they complete me also . . i love them soo damn much yet for the past year i've felt empty in one way or another i've tried to fill it with so many different damn things . . billy, alchohol, stealing, drugs, among others . . . but when i'm around micah it all goes away . . but theres something that lies much deeper now . . he's found someone that does that for him . . but she is hurting him . . really bad. . now that he comes back around to me i wonder if it is cause he still loves me and wants to be with me or is it just friendship he seeks with me? god i wish i knew my life would be soo much fucking easier people always say highschool is the toughest time well i fucking hope so because i cant deal with much more i see people falling apart to my left an right everydamn day and i think "man . . . how long till i fall?" in so many ways i think i already have . . since i was in 6th grade i've wanted to help people i've always enjoyed listening to other peoples problems and never paying attention to mine . . . well lets recap rite fast . . i screwed away the most important person in my life . . i fucked up wanting to be a physcologist . . . now im going to cosmotoligist. .. . . it's easy and i can still talk to people and if i'm REALLY good at it then i can also make ALOT of money . . . maybe things arent so bad maybe i havent failed completly but im fucking damn near . . i just hope some people who think my life is all peaches and cream read this and understand . . . everyone has their downs . . . your not alone

Thursday, January 06, 2005

ummm . . . confused?

okay this week has deffinatly been VERY odd my classes are ALL jumbled up and im VERY confused with all that shyt cause choir has ALWAYS been a last period and now its 4th and i think im going home rite afterwards or i feel like i should be ya know? and Logan asked me back out and i said yea BuT get this shyt my ex that i went out with freshman year ((Micah)) and his g/f broke up and he's hanging around me again EVERYTHING happens for a reason i believe in that but why in the hell does everything ALWAYS go wrong for me?!?UgH it makes me mad cause i wana be with BoTh of them . . and i want to make everyone happy and i wana be back at reitz . . . but No cause that would only make amanda happy! . .
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