Friday, December 31, 2004

newyears hell

hey yall . . . hows it going? not too bad here just kinda being sad because of assholes like normal . . . why cant i be happy one GOD DAMN time one thing go my way NOTHING ever does and i seem to take it out on the ones that matter the most like tonite . . . . logan backed out which im KINDA a little upset about that . . . krys WONT stop starting shyt with me and jeff and me are OVER for sure i think .. . . . i dont know anything about how i feel who my friends are and arent everything kinda just runs together and im starting to be my REAL self around everyone and NOT alot of people seem to like it i dont know what to do . . it's all kind of a blur actually is it bad to say that your not COMPLETLEY sure that person you look at in the mirror every morning is even you? i kinda feel like that . . . i think it is kinda bad. . . but i also think im STARTING to get all of me back . . . i dont care if everyone hates it . . i love me . . and i miss me . . i cry all the damn time . . . im ALWAYS sad . . . i make EVERYONE mad . . . need i go on? prolly not . . . im PrOlLy borin you all . . . i dont know . . . its kinda weird . . . bbl alyse wants me . . . .

Monday, December 27, 2004

you make me wana SCREAM!

i dont really know what all is really wrong with me other than im REALLY missing jeff i like him so much but i havent seen him in ALMOST 2 weeks and for me thats a LONG ass fucking time im going crazy thinking he's off screwing some other girl or some shyt i wish all these thoughts would STOP but they keep coming HEAVY and im about to go fucking nuts! i dont know how much of this i can handle . . i really wish he would go out with me but he wont . . he just wants to be well . . . what we are now i dont know what to do i REALLY need to talk to billy . . .so very bad . . . i dont know i think he would be able to help me . . . i dont know . . . i'll write more later . .
<33 always
Amanda Ruth

Saturday, December 25, 2004

new blog!

ok to make everyone a lil happier i mad a separate website with all the quizzes i like on it if you wana take a look @ it then go here . . .
<33 always amanda ruth

another quiz!

You are Miss Gertrude McFuzz. AW! CUTE! Can I keep

What Seussical character are you?
brought to you by Quizilla


i made 2 quizes!

some quiz from alyse

merry f'in xmas

hey there im soo freaking mad rite now . . my mom decided this would just HAVE to be the one day she sleeps till whenever ((like 3 or 4 prolly)) and i cant open my presents till she gets up nd now my dad has laid back down cause she wont get up so i have to get BOTH of them out of bed GOODLUCK on that one . . . UGH i hate family SO freaking much sometimes . . . welp i dont feel like writing ANYTHING . . LATER!

Friday, December 24, 2004

christmas countdown - 3 hours :-)

well hello there . . . this break is okay so far . . . . im so damn confused but yet in ALOT of ways im so damn happy . . . me and logan are talking again . . . me nd billy are on "GOOD" terms . . . AND me nd jeff are on bad terms . . AND on to tha girls in my life well not just girls FRIENDS ok . . welp me nd Krys talked nd i think were ok . . me n Kayla have been hanging out ALOT :-) . . . me nd Daniel are going to get Tasha Tues. after i get my hair trimmed An Highlighted Blonde Nd Red :-) . . hmm what else. . .well i still need 3 x-mas presents . . . umm daniel derick and logan . . . at least i know what im getting them . . . :-/ lol . . . umm i dont know what else to write about SoOo i will talk more later LOVE YOU LOTS DRIVE CAREFULLY if you MUST get out . . . and o yea THANX alyse for your AWESOME POSUM advice i love you girl!
Amanda Ruth

Tuesday, December 21, 2004


heylow today was quite awefull . . the whole "Billy Thing" and shyt then i left work early cause i feel like crap and im SOO calling in tomorrow nd going to wrestling talk to you later. . . .

Holy Water

Hey guys how's it going? Not all that BAD here I'm kinda VERY out of it . . . I hung out with Billy YES Billy today me nd alyse went over there . . . nd he kinda kissed me and told me he loved me . . I don't know if I like that all that much . . . It KINDA hurts ALOT . . . I didn't say I love you back that hurt to and when he hugged me I just wanted to stay there in his arms forever kinda like leeann Rimes said "rite here in your arms is the safest place" me nd him have been through soo fucking much and in ALOT of ways I want to "go through" alot more with him not necessarily bad I love his company that boy just beings the vounerable side of me out and I CANT do anything to hide it . . . it kinda sucks . . . But in so many ways its wonderful . . . I wish all my friends would see what I see in him . . . There are ALOT of bad things YEA I know that but me nd him were going through ALOT whenever all that happened and I did alot wrong too . . And I pushed him ALOT . . . And now I kinda push him away for the mast part . . . I just don't know what to do SOME ONE ANYONE . . HELP ME! . . . ima go before I cry . .
<33 always
Amanda Ruth

Monday, December 20, 2004

PiZzA MoNkEy ((By Alyse))

okay this week has been VERY fukt up so far . . . i deffinatly dint go to school today and then Alyse came nd stoled me . . . . i'm having alot of problems it kinda sucks cause i like 3 people nd its so hard to decide on one because they all have different awesome qualities . . . . and they all make me SO dang happy . . . i dont know but then again they all have rather LARGE downfalls they either dont want a relaytionship . . . have one . . . or ive been with them and they REALLY hurt me and NOONE wants us together . . . it kinda makes me sad its a l-o-n-g story to long to get into as of rite now . . . im in one of my slums as of rite now . . . . itkinda sucks azz mann i dont want to write anymore . . . sry everyone . .. . i'll talk more later

Sunday, December 19, 2004

BrOkEn . . . .

WOW life BITES! i'm having ALOT of problems and EVERYONE who reads this will be SOO mad at me . . . but yea . . i saw billy sat evening . . . i miss him soo fucking much . . i mean dont get me wrong i love jeff to death . . . but i really LOVE billy . . . i mean yeah he cheated on me once but i mean i can forgive . . is that wrong? i mean YEA he hurt me REALLY bad but is it WRONG for me to feel like its ok for me to forgive him cause i mean i really make things seem like their all his fault but it was LARGLY mine to . . . . i OVERREACTED ALOT about girls calling and shyt like that . . i met some girl that use to call him at my work one day lol . . she was like OMG your billy's ex . . . i was like . . . . um . . . . ?yea? but anyways he told my mom he was sry and he told me that too and he hugged me and i almost CRIED!! i just didnt want to let go . . . AND on top of EVERYTHING i developed pix from the apartment :-( NOT COOL . . . that brought me down even MORE! but yea . . . im kinda out of it cause me nd jeff got into it TOO! but i dont know SO MUCH ON MY MIND! i ALSO got wrote up 2 times @ work tonite . . . GOOD JOB ME!! YAY! welp ima go for now i know i have ALOT to write about BUT i dont feel like WRITING . . well typing but still TALK TO YOU LATER!

<33 always
Amanda Ruth

Thursday, December 16, 2004

bipity bopity BOO!

this is a VERY pitty color :-) but yea . . . my day was kinda ok i feel kinda sick still but it'll b okay Jeffery is VERY sick nd he came home from school today . . . i think he got me sicky icky icky but its okay cause he's VERY precious nd i love him to death . . . i bought mine nd his x-mas dance tickets this morning GO ME! lol . . . finally 2 days b4 the dance GOODONE!. . im kinda short on shyt to talk about cause all i did was go to T.I. class ((we went to YCC today nd i saw Danny Dillman 'nd Dewayne AkA scarecrow it made me sad :'( )) but yea i dont have nething else to talk about i'll write more tomorrow LOVE YOU LOTZ!
<33 always
Amanda Ruth

O-yEa if you want to come see me @ work tomorrow ((you cant stay long BUT still . . .)) i work 4-8



i never really know what to put as a topic lol after a while you kinda run out of things to say . . but anyways yesterday i didnt go to school because i over slept nd i STILL went to wrestling so my dad was all kinds of pissed off cause he found out nd i got bitched out FOREVER nd its a long story but yea i'll type more tomorrow or sat cause i gotta get to school nd afterschool i have T.I. nd then work @ 5:30-close so yea i'll talk to yall later
amanda ruth

ANYONE who likes to come see me at work DONT cause i might lose my job JUST thought i would warne you cause if i lose my job cause of you . . . lets just say you better be a good runner :-)

Tuesday, December 14, 2004

two in one day

i guess this will have to surfice as my place to "vent" on everything very few people will read this i think anyways nd the people that do read it wont hear anything about them . . . well for the most part . . all i want to do anymore is cry i feel like im such a failure ive fucked up SOO much shit in my life and the 3 biggest things ive done is lossing/ giving up on friends i wish i could just meet or keep some friends and them actually know me . . . my insecurities . . fears. . . and how i feel about everything . . the funny thing is sooo many people feel as if they know me . . my question is how do they when i dont even know myself? ive pondered about this soo much i mean deep down inside i know somethings like one thing i learned cause of alyse is sometimes i feel sooo much better when i just get in a car and DRIVE and i mean i dont care where im going i just feel safe from everyone whenever i do this . . .i dont like one kind of music or a certain "type" or "group" of people i love everyone for their individual reasons . . . sometimes i feel like im "shallow" cause i ONLY worry about my feelings or what the affects of something will have on me and noone else . . aka if it bennifits me im cool with it . . even if it fucks my life up or a friendship i hold dearly in the end . . i get into very meaningless relaytionships with people who when i sit and think about it i dont even know why i like them or what made me happy about them . . it's just i felt "closure" ((sp?)) when i'm with someone . . . another thing im so insecure i constantly think EVERYONE hates me or is using me this i feel isnt "normal" but then i worry whats "normal" i dont know i SWEAR life is more trouble than its worth sometimes but mom needs the phone i'll write more when i can . .



anyways. . . another thing this guy his name is Jeff and i like him alot but theres this "x" named billy who REALLY hurt me so im always on the defense you know? and now this new guy is the same way well he portrays himself like that. . he makes me soo happy on soo many levels . . . he seems to understand me and when im upset he listens . . i know other guys that do that but they arent like me n him are you know? and i let some "stuff" happen that i prolly shouldnt have and now i think thats the ONLY reason he's around and about a week ago my x logan told me the whole reason he broke it off with me and we talked for like 3 hours it was GREAT but i keep thinking about him now which sucks and NOONE really understands me . . . its really horrible . . . every seems to think the solution is so simple and its rite there well i like 3 people and they all three like me but with every one a different "obstacle" appears before me and with jeff its just been so simple up untill now now theres feelings developing a relaytionship not even in sight an heartbreak clear ahead i can see it but it seems like im a "deer in headlights" and even though i wana RUN and scream and prevent it its heading for me full speed and i cant take another one i really cant i DONT deal well with rejection for those of you who know me well understand it may not be SO obvious but i will "harp" on what I did wrong. . . not him/her . . but me . . . no matter what it's ALWAYS my fault . . ugh im about to go crazy i GOTTA stop writing . . LATER!

<33 always
Amanda Ruth

the beginning

well i decided to start this because my sister alyse has one and i have to go through ALL this trouble JUST to read hers nd or leave a comment so i'm gonna give this a try but i BET my other journal is still BETTEr if you want to read that just go to nd look up sugababe12124 . . . nd click the welcome to my world one theres LOTS of interesting things to read about in there lol .. . . . you have fun with that!

<33 always
Amanda Ruth
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